Cloudy Daze
by Zelda6
Summary: Zack/Tifa. Revised from 8/99 version on GlassShard's site. Minimal revisions since 12/31/01—I just had to tidy up a few things.
1. the come on

CLOUDY DAZE

by Zelda6

zeldasix@hotmail.com

This revised version has several additional scenes not included in the 8/99 version on GlassShard's site.

Disclaimer: All characters, places, belong to Square. The crude Star Wars reference and cheesy plot belong to me.

/ indicate character's thoughts 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Prologue:

After Sephiroth's defeat, there was a Great Disturbance in The Force, and many villains and heroes from the Lifestream ended up among the living, among them, our protagonist, Cloud's old friend Zack. Cloud and company were on a quest to resurrect Aeris when Zack met up with them. 

Three months later, everyone but Cloud was ready to call it quits.

Though Cloud continued wandering the planet, Tifa bought a bar in Kalm to start over. Zack decided to settle near her. It hadn't escaped his notice that the former tourguide had grown up a beautiful woman. She was hurting for Cloud, and he had just the cure for her heartache.

******************************************************

Chapter 1: The come on.

But it turned out Zack had to wait a while. Tifa's wounds were too fresh for her to be dazzled by his smile, though she sometimes blushed at his come-ons. More often, though, she just stared at him, aghast.

For three long weeks, Zack had to bide his time. He spent late nights at the bar, reassuring her Cloud would be fine on his own. He picked up the occasional grocery. He even took out the trash. 

/Just what I signed up for. 

/Geez Tifa, you'd better be worth this... 

Then one night, he made his move.

********************

It was past 2 am, and Tifa had finished shooing out the last of her customers. Well, all but one.

Zack placed his shot glass on the table and stood up from his seat near the door. He headed for the bar, his legs slightly unsteady underneath him. She glanced over, a tired smile upon her face. A smile that tried hard to be reassuring -- everyone had been watching her with concern since Cloud left. Zack especially. 

He returned the smile, inexplicably relieved. It wasn't that she'd been particularly convincing, but he was encouraged that she'd tried.

/This is gonna be easy. And you're gonna thank me, Tifa...

He slid smoothly into the seat across from her, his eyes drifting purposefully down her figure as she continued to wipe down the bar. She noticed his lingering stare, but her customary glare reserved for lecherous drunks was conspicuously absent. 

/This is goin' just fine...

When he slipped his arm over to stroke her back, she inched slightly away, looking up with brown eyes filled with wonder. But not repulsion. 

"Tifa," he softly whispered, preparing to turn their physical closeness into another form of intimacy. His left hand gingerly traced the contours of her face. Almost immediately he knew it was a mistake. 

"Zack-- ," her eyes widened yet further, and the nakedness of her aching froze him. 

"Hey...," he stumbled. 

/Oh, man... What are you thinking, Tifa...

"I... I can't..." Her eyes began to brim. 

/Shit!

/It's only been three weeks! I gotta work on my timing... 

"Hey," he said again, his voice taking on a soothing, and reluctantly platonic, quality. He couldn't think of anything to say, or do, other than to open his arms to her. She hardly made a sound despite the sobs that shook her frame, the tears cascading down her face. She fell into his arms, clutching him with trembling hands that nonetheless held tight. His hands gently caressed her back, occasionally straying to smooth back her hair.

"It's ok...It's gonna be ok..." he repeated helplessly, and tightened his arms further about her. 

/Just feel better, Tifa. He's not worth this...


	2. the morning after

Chapter 2: The morning after.

When Zack awoke the following morning, he was stunned to find himself lying next to Tifa, his arms cradling her sleeping form. They were in the bar's back room, snuggled together on her small twin bed. He silently cursed the alcohol for fogging up his mind. A wry smile crept across his face as he noted that they were both fully dressed. 

/Still, I don't remember how we ended up here... well, maybe I've a little idea... 

But as he shifted to untangle himself from her, she wrapped one arm around him in her sleep.

He lay back down, slowly. At length he gingerly took hold of her hand that was resting on his chest. A small, delicate hand, marred by a callus at the thumb base. His own, much larger thumb slowly grazed across her knuckles as he listened to her slow, rhythmic breathing.

/I bet only a few people have ever seen these--they're always hiding under those darn gloves of yours... 

He lay still until she stirred awake--her eyes widening into saucers when she realized that she was in bed with him. In an unconsciously modest gesture, she pulled the sheet higher up her chest, although she was still wearing her work clothes.

"Zack! What...?"

"Uh...well... heh... I guess we sort of fell asleep together," he replied sheepishly, struggling to suppress an impish grin.

"Did we...? I mean..." she stammered, blushing profoundly. 

"Did we have hot, passionate sex, you mean?" He drawled, grinning roguishly at her. "Nah, I'd remember _that_..."

She laughed, at first weakly, then more heartily. "Are you... disappointed?" she finally asked him, leveling her gaze with him momentarily. 

"I wouldn't have _minded_," he admitted. 

"..."

"I'm sorry, Tifa. I know you're hurting over Cloud, but... you're so beautiful," his lips pulled into a smile that failed to convey any regret.

"It's ok, Zack," she said after a long pause, not looking at him. "I... I thought it wouldn't hurt to forget for a while." 

"But _nothing happened_," he protested seriously. 

She looked at the carpet, and swallowed hard before mouthing softly. "Something can... now. If... you want."

He was surprised to find himself momentarily speechless.

"What? Huh? Tifa..."

She drew him close, and closed her eyes. It was his turn to tremble fiercely as she hesitantly pressed her lips to his. But something, an alien emotion, suddenly overwhelmed him. 

/Damn it, not now. Not like this! 

He pushed her away, and stormed out of the bar, knocking over a table as he left. 

***************************************

As he strode confidently across Kalm, eyes squinted against the morning sun, Zack was waylaid by a couple of questions.

/What the hell just happened there? 

/Hey, I wouldn't normally turn down a lay... especially with her... 

/But... 

/Goddamn it, I'm nobody's second choice. Not second to Cloud! 

/What the _hell_ is she thinking? 

He practiced his swordplay with unusual vigor later that night.


	3. regrets and promises

Chapter 3: Regrets and Promises.

Zack stumbled wearily out after a long, hot shower, and plopped down onto his bed. 

He'd really over done it. That sword felt like a 2 ton weight by the time he'd finished with his exercises. It had been an unusually frigid November night. But even the exhaustion and the cold, and now the aches, couldn't take his mind off her. 

/Tonight's the first night in... what... a week... that I haven't gone to that blasted bar to watch her... 

Knock knock. 

Some rude jerk was now standing outside his apartment door, threatening his much needed rest. 

He didn't answer on the first knock. Or the 2nd, or the 3rd. But on the 4th he finally yelled out.

"Who is it?"

"It's me. I'm sorry to disturb you..." Her voice barely carried to his ears, but he hurriedly jumped into his clothes and opened the door, just in time to catch a glimpse of her shivering form turning out of sight.

"Tifa!" He took off running. 

/What are you thinking? Going out into this night without a coat? 

He folded her into his arms reflexively when he caught up to her. 

"You just walked from the bar like this?" 

"I just... had to see you... and I ..."

He shook his head, biting back the lecture on his lips. She was clearly upset about _something_. 

She looked up at him, a storm of confusion in her eyes, still shivering fiercely. After a few minutes of rubbing her arms to warm her, he admitted defeat. He was starting to feel the chill himself. 

"Come on," he tugged firmly, pulling her in the direction of his door.

/Maybe we're not meant to have hot, horny sex, but I can't let you wander around like this... 

She whispered her thanks as he draped a woolen blanket about her shoulders. 

*****************************************

It was past 1 am when they settled down across from each other in Zack's living room. The flames from the fireplace licked glints into her brown eyes, and the effect was nearly hypnotic. He had to stop staring so he could pay attention to the words forming on her lips. She'd moved her lips abortively several times, and was now clearing her throat in another attempt. 

"Zack, I think I've... hurt you... and I just want you to know... that ... I'm sorry."

"Tifa...," he muttered uncomfortably. 

"Please...just let me finish," she added at length, her eyes now fixed on the floor. "I'm sorry I tried to... use you. You've been so nice..."

He shook his head, raising his voice just a little. "Look, Tifa... I used _you_ too. I knew you were hurting, and I thought I could take advantage. I'm the one who's sorry." 

She looked up for a moment, then lowered her eyes again. "I know..." 

A strangely comfortable silence descended over them, shattered when she looked up again, and caught the full warmth of his eyes on her. She blushed, but she didn't turn away. 

"Hey, listen, I'll forgive you... if you forgive me," he offered helpfully, hoping she saw genuine friendship in his smile. 

"Ok," she smiled, her eyes brightening for the first time that night. When she extended her hand, he pulled her to him with a fierceness that surprised them both.

They held each other a long time. He watched her close her eyes, her head on his shoulder, and his eyes fell closed as well. But then he stirred, and her eyes fluttered open. 

There was one other thing he wanted to say, so he deliberately brought her face up to his. 

"No more bullshit between us, okay?" He pleaded, his palm cupping her cheek.

"I promise," she replied softly. 

"Me too," he repeated, before planting a kiss on her forehead. She smiled again, and he felt strangely happy.

******************************************************

Zack threw his work clothes to the side, before kick-starting his shower. 

/What happened last night? 

Tifa left shortly after she'd promised she'd be straight with him. And he'd promised he wouldn't play games anymore. They were gonna be friends for real this time. 

But he didn't have time to sort it out -- he was asleep moments later. At least it was a good night's sleep. 

He stepped under the weakly spewing showerhead.

/So we're gonna be friends. It could be worse. She's beautiful. She's a great cook. Decent company, too. She needs a friend who isn't always talking about Cloud. Barret means well, but telling her to get over Spike' isn't gonna do it...

He could do that, be her friend. It'd be tough not to stare at her, not to want her--hell, he couldn't help that--but she didn't seem to mind his looking, sometimes. As long as they were honest with each other, they could be good friends. There were a few things he'd always wondered about when Cloud used to tell him about her. He wouldn't mind finding out how that little girl grew up so tender-hearted -- if she wouldn't mind talking about it. Maybe-- if it wouldn't remind her too much of Cloud... 

/But...does this mean I can't go to the bar to... stare at her anymore? 

/Hey, I still gotta get my drinks, right? I'll be there as her buddy, though... God, that'll be... weird... 


	4. getting to know you

Chapter 4: Getting to know you.

A couple of days later, Zack was sitting at the diner up the street from her bar, waiting for Tifa to join him. They'd agreed to meet here to have their first dinner as friends. A quick glance at his watch confirmed that he was 10 minutes early. Why was he acting so nervous? 

"Hey." Her soft voice, her hand on his shoulder, startled him. He covered it well, though.

"Welcome to the epitome of fine dining," he winked at her. 

She gave him a dubious smile as she regarded their surroundings. Tacky pictures of velvet idols adorned the walls. The wait staff wore ill-fitting hot-pink uniforms. 

"Let's give them a chance, ok?" She suggested, but without any confidence in her voice. 

"Sure," he said.

A few minutes later, Zack looked up.

"What are you getting?" She asked. 

"I'm getting the old standard... a cheeseburger."

"I'm going to try the ultra-highbrow french roast," she tried to assume a snooty expression, but broke into a grin instead. 

"Befitting an elegant lady like yourself," he said, favoring her with an elaborate bow.

"Hey..." Her tone was amused, but he heard the warning loud and clear. 

"Sorry. Can't help myself."

She shook her head. "This friendship thing's gonna take some getting used to."

"Why'd you say that?"

"Why? Because you can flirt over a greasy sandwich, that's why. You've got some scary instincts, Zack." 

"Hey, it's always served me well before. I get to go out with beautiful women, and I sleep very well at night." 

"I'm sure," she said, smiling indulgently at him.

"But... I'm also a man of my word. I won't pull any bullshit with you, Tifa."

"I really appreciate that. I'll try my best... to be your friend." 

He gave her a smile that could almost be described as shy.

"Umm, would you excuse me a minute?"

"Sure." He returned to studying the menu as she stood up and headed for the ladies room.

She said she'd do her best. Her best would be more than good enough. She'd been such a good friend to Cloud. If he were Cloud, he wouldn't have run off chasing ghosts. 

The menu was just a collection of misspelled words and crossed out prices. This place served crappy food, but it was nearby, and open 24 hours. Anyway, food wasn't the point. Tonight was going to be their first dinner as friends. They had to get away from the bar, the place where they'd established a pattern of him flirting and her dodging. They had to break old habits if they were going to be friends. 

And he did want to be her friend. Sure, she was beautiful, but there was something else. Probably the way her eyes give everything away. 

She could really use a friend, too, the way her impulsive heart constantly rebelled against common sense. He could still remember how she came after Sephiroth as a mere girl and got slashed across the chest.

/Hmm... I wonder about that scar...

/No. Stop. Dammit, she's already back. She really would smack me if I don't quit...

****************************

It was 20 minutes later. Their dinner had arrived, sweating profusely in their foil wrappers. Zack made small talk, until he felt comfortable enough to take their conversation down a more serious path.

"So, Tifa, you're gonna stay in Kalm for a while?"

"I guess. I don't have anywhere else to go. This is... probably the place I'm most comfortable. I can't go back to Nibelheim, and definitely not Midgar. So many people... died there... when the plate fell. Did Barret tell you about that?"

He nodded. 

"I lost so many friends. And everytime I go by where the pillar used to be... I keep thinking about everyone who died...because of us. Shinra dropped the plate because of us. All those people... all their hopes..." She looked down hurriedly, but her tears had already given her away. 

He reached over the small table, brushing away her tears with his thumb. But his tender gesture was hampered by a ketchup-laden foil wrap clinging to his elbow. 

She smiled through her tears and made a valiant effort to wipe the gooey stuff off his arm. 

"Don't worry about it. It'll come off. I shower sometimes, you know."

"Really, I had no idea," she grinned. But all too quickly her grin was lost. He frowned.

  
"Tifa... You're still thinking about Midgar, aren't you?"  
  
She didn't answer, but he could tell by her eyes. 

"Tifa...You gotta let it go. What's done is done. All you can do is hope you won't have to face the same situation, the same choices again." 

She was silent, so he continued. "I mean, what should you have done? Just let them destroy the planet?" 

"But... there might have been another way... if we'd come up with some other way... "

He shook his head. "If you tried something peaceful they would've just ignored you. You don't know what would've happened if you hadn't fought back. Maybe they would've killed thousands more. They don't need an excuse to kill, Tifa. I should know-- I worked for the bastards."

She looked at him. Her eyes were still wet, but he saw an invitation to tell his tale. And for that reason he had to tell it.

"You already know I worked for them? SOLDIER?" 

She nodded.

"I signed up with Shinra to get away from Gongaga. It was a nice town, but boring. I wanted excitement. I had to sign up for SOLDIER cause it had the highest profile. Once I found out what it was about..." he shook his head, "...that it was being henchman and clean-up crew for the corrupt... backing out wasn't an option. Most of the time they had us out killing monsters. But I didn't always ask questions about the people I was ordered to kill."

He looked at her, his eyes measuring and apprehensive. He didn't expect that he'd end up telling her this tonight, hadn't thought about how she might react. And he was nervous, worried, even, that she might think him an inhuman murderer, killing for pay.

/I'd better shut up right now. Or she's gonna decide she doesn't need my friendship.

"Go on," she gently nudged. 

He searched her eyes again, and saw only openness, an extended hand. Her small hand giving his forearm a squeeze. 

"I went along with everything they said, pretty much. The first time I went against them was at Nibelheim, and only because Sephiroth went nuts. But I didn't stop him... I couldn't. He killed so many... he almost killed you..."

Her eyes were tearing up again, but he felt her other hand reach across the table, dodging foil wraps and plastic cups, to take his larger hands in them. And he swallowed hard. For a while they didn't speak.

"Nibelheim was the first time we met, right?"

"Yeah." She smiled a little. 

"Hey, what'd you think of me, the first time we met?"

She hesitated. But he was looking at her so expectantly that she gave in. 

"Well, that time... I was hoping to see Cloud, so... when I didn't see him, I just ran off crying. I recognized Sephiroth from his picture in the newspaper. But you... I'd never seen you before... so the only thing I remembered... was that... you weren't Cloud."

She hung her head, clearly upset that she'd told him something so deflating. 

/Don't look so sad, Tifa. It's gonna take a lot more than that to wound me...

He chuckled at her, anomalously happy. Because of her honesty, partly, but mostly because she cared so much about his feelings. 

"It's all right," he reassured her. "I figured it was like that. You never knew he was there, did you?"

She shook her head. "I only found out in the Lifestream. You know, when we fell into the Lifestream."

"Yeah," he nodded. "You pulled him out. You saved his life, Tifa."

"I don't know about that," she said, shaking her head. "Maybe he would have been happier... staying there. That way, he could've been with Aeris." She glanced up sharply for a moment.

"You know how he felt about Aeris, right?" 

"Yeah," he replied, surprised by the sudden intensity of her gaze. "What's wrong, Tifa?"

"I was wondering whether... you're really ok... talking about Aeris?"

/So that's why you're so nervous? You're worried I'm heartbroken over Aeris being gone? Or Aeris loving Cloud? Tell me straight out. And quit worrying. I'm a lot tougher than Cloud.

"Yeah, it's ok. I know she and Cloud were in love-- I heard about their date. It's all right. I mean, I'm sad she's gone and all, but... I'm ok now."

"You really didn't mind her loving Cloud? I thought... you just said that to make Cloud feel better."

"No, I didn't. It was my decision to leave. I disappeared on her a while before Nibelheim," he snuck a glance at Tifa, a little chagrined. Sensing no immediate censure, he continued. 

"I'm glad she got over me, but I don't think she was ever in love with me. She was just lonely. She wanted someone around. And I was never around. I told her it was because of my job, but... actually..."

She shook her head, then smiled indulgently at him. "Remind me never to fall in love with you."

"Is there a danger... that you would?" He asked, the probing intensity of his eyes burning her cheeks.

"Hey, we...we're doing it again." She admonished, still blushing fiercely.

"Yeah... Sorry." He made an effort to look contrite. 

"It was my fault," she apologized. 

"Nope. It's both our faults. Maybe we just like flirting."

"You're probably right. But... we really want things to be different, don't we? We said we weren't going to play games anymore." 

"I know. I'm sorry. It's usually my big mouth and my bullshit... that get us into crap." 

She shook her head. "Hey, don't hog all the blame." She smiled that embarrassed, apologetic smile, and he forgot what he was going to say. 

"So... nice weather we're having," she offered sheepishly.

He grinned. "Yup. Almost spring like."

She chuckled. "You think we'll ever get through a day without flirting?"

"Maybe, if we try really hard. But flirting isn't so bad, is it?" 

"But it is!" She protested. "Because it's too hard to tell what's real and what's tease. I'm terrible at guessing. And I don't know if friends should... play these mind games... I really would like to be your friend. But... do you want to be my friend, too?"

  
"Of course! You have to ask?" His reply was immediate, and left no doubt he'd been offended. 

She looked up for a second, her eyes apologetic.

"I don't know. Sometimes I think... you just want me to sleep with you and then clear out of your life." 

"Look, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want you. But even if you _were_ to sleep with me, I wouldn't want you gone. I'd want you to stay with me." He winced at the blatant longing in his voice. But one glance at her was enough to tell him she hadn't heard it-- she had fisted her hands on her hips, and was about to let him have it.

"So... you're saying... I'm asking you to _lie_ because I don't want you to come on to me? Is keeping your hands to yourself somehow dishonest?"

"What do you want me to do? I can't help wanting you! But I'll keep it to myself, ok? Don't shoot me if I should slip up now and then, cause I really _am_ trying to be your friend. It's just hard to ignore the fact that you're incredibly..."

Tifa blushed, bitterly ashamed that she actually wanted to hear the rest of his sentence. But... she couldn't have it both ways. She couldn't trust him as a lover, if she didn't trust him as a friend first. And if Aeris couldn't make him stay, what made her think she could? Hadn't she had enough of men who screwed her and then left in the night?

"I'm sorry, Zack. I guess we just... can't make this work." She stood up, dropping some gils on the table. Her eyes were starting to brim again. She was deeply sorry she wouldn't get to be his friend, wouldn't be able to hear his cheery common sense breaking through her funk anymore. 

But he wasn't about to leave it at that. 

"Tifa..." He'd stood up and was embracing her tightly. "Don't just give up on me. Hey, you gave Cloud so many shots... gimme a couple, will ya?"

She gently freed herself from his arms, and looked at him with huge, bewildered eyes. Then she abruptly turned for the door. Once they were outside the diner, he halted her with his hand on her shoulder, and turned her to face him. 

"Look, I know I went back into flirt mode, but... you gotta believe what I said about Shinra, Nibelheim, and all... cause... if I was lying I would've made myself sound a hell of a lot better!" He sighed. "Did you believe _anything_ I said tonight?" 

He'd expected her to resume her struggle to escape. But she stood still, held there by his expectant gaze. Something about the quiet way she'd accepted his effort gave him hope. 

After a thoughtful pause, she replied. "Yes...I did... when you weren't flirting." 

He leaned closer, his hands balled into fists, his eyes suddenly blazing. "Then... believe that I care about you. It's not flirting-- it's the goddamn truth!" 

/Zack...

She'd heard the desperation in his plea, but her mind froze up in its rush to ease his distress. For an instant, she couldn't think or speak. He stared into her soft brown eyes, a bit of moisture glimmering at their edges, and brought his trembling hands up to caress her face.

"I believe you," she replied at last. Her eyes seemed to promise trust and second chances. Relief flooded his features. 

"And Zack... I care about you too," she continued. She reached up and took both his hands in hers, bringing them to her lips for a moment. "Please believe me, too."

He failed to suppress a gasp. Just now... the feel of her lips against his skin. Waves of desire rippling down his spine.

/Oh god... do that again, Tifa...

/Not now, dammit! Concentrate! What's she trying to say... That's right. She wants me to believe her. 

Though his knuckles went white as he fought to maintain control, he managed to keep the tension off his face. 

"Tifa," he smiled indulgently at her, "I always believe you, cause you couldn't fool me if you tried. And... I'm glad you care about me too."

She beamed, and it gladdened his heart. 

"So... like I was saying... You could use a friend in town. Your buddies from Avalanche are all so far away... "

  
"I think... I have one now." She smiled warmly at him, and he was sorely tempted to pull her into his arms. But he couldn't risk his body betraying him, the vivid memory of her lips still burning him. So he settled for tucking some loose chocolate strands behind her ear, and squeezing her hand once.   
  
They walked back to her place in silence. She rushed her steps a little, not wanting to hinder his longer strides, while he felt almost heady in that atmosphere of promise and uncertainty. 

"Good night, Tifa."

His eyes widened as she pulled him into a hug. But it wasn't a tight hug, and she released him quickly; and he was left to swallow his relief and disappointment. 

"Good night, Zack." 

It looked like she wanted to say more, but she didn't. He stood looking at her closed door for a minute before turning and walking home.


	5. the tickets

Chapter 5: The tickets.

5 weeks later...

Zack used Barret's old key to let himself into the bar. 

He was on a stealth mission. A mission to fix that broken barstool before Tifa caught him in the act. She'd told him she was gonna fix it herself, but it was such an eyesore that he had to do something about it.

It was Saturday morning, and he figured she was still sleeping in after a late Friday night. He made sure to put down his tool bag quietly. As he sat down on the floor and began fiddling with the screws, he thought about the last five weeks.

Although he'd convinced Tifa to let him be her friend, being her friend wasn't easy either. It meant biting back his sleazy lines, and looking elsewhere for sex. And while it was convenient to hook up with Lily for the sex, Lily had gotten all jealous and forbid him to come to the bar.

So he'd broken up with Lily. He felt bad about it, but he'd told her from the start he wasn't serious.

And he'd ended up here, a screwed-up cross between a handyman and a monk, cursing a certain woman's mule-headedness.

/Dammit, Tifa, would it kill you to admit you need help, or need... me?

/Shit! The front door. Someone with a key. Tifa?

***************************************

"Hey." His cheerful greeting made her look up from her bursting groceries bags.

"Hi!" She exclaimed, surprised to see him there. He was sitting in the middle of the bar, working on a broken barstool, a ridiculous complement of tools sprawled about him. His grin was so joyful it just warmed her from head to toe. But... there was still a disquieting feeling to her heart.

/Didn't I tell him to leave that alone? I can fix that myself, tomorrow. I still have Barret's old tool set. 

/Why is he here?

/I mean, of course I'm happy to see him. And I was going to find him later today...

Her mind dropped its meanderings, because a navel orange had abruptly smashed into her face. It had rolled into Zack's work area when one of her grocery bags had ruptured, and he'd playfully thrown it back at her. But he didn't expect it to land squarely on her cute little nose. He was laughing uproariously.

/What could have distracted you, heh, Tifa? Fantasizing about me again? 

/Gosh, I almost said that out loud. She would've beat the crap out of me...

"What happened to those legendary reflexes, I wonder," he mocked affectionately.

She refused to squander words of indignation on him. Instead, she bent down to retrieve the orange, and with a wicked smile, hurled it straight into his gut. 

Apparently she'd miscalculated the force of her throw, because the orange had exploded on impact, and was now oozing its sweet, sticky juices all over his shirt. 

"Oww..." he doubled over dramatically, and collapsed on the floor. "... and this was my best shirt too..." 

That earned him a suspicious stare. 

"Did I add insult to injury?" 

"That's right. You owe me big, Lockheart."

She grinned maliciously, holding a plastic bag full of potatoes and onions.

"Want me to pay up?"

"Hey, don't kick a man when he's down... What kind of woman are you..." He shook his head, a disapproving frown upon his face.

When she gave him a steely stare, and he saw she wasn't moved by his plight, he shifted tactics. 

/This always works on her, heh heh...

/Hey, that's low... you... you can't do that to me... her mind cried in alarm as he assumed a pose of dejected suffering.

Somehow, that patently fake expression of his always managed to melt her resolve into a thin, clear sap. Defeated, she dropped her ammunition and went to kneel at his side. 

His hurt evaporated the moment she came to him, her smile rueful, her eyes warm and soft. She assessed the damage to his shirt as her hand gently stroke the side of his face. 

"Don't worry. It'll come out in the wash. You can leave it in the back later, I'll take care of it."

/What? You don't want me to take it off now? 

/God, I'd like to play with you, Tifa... but... I don't want to get thrown out. Your fists will probably hurt... but... it'll be worth it...

/Dammit... I just don't want you to stop trusting me... Will it ruin everything if I just kiss you right now?

"Hey, where are you?" She nudged him with one elbow, trying to shake that disturbingly glazed look off his face. 

"On the floor, in your lap, I think." He grinned widely.

"In your dreams, buddy. Go and clean yourself up." Mercifully she hadn't dropped him on his head.

"You're a hard woman, Tifa..."

She gathered her remaining groceries and strode off in a huff.

************************************

She'd brought him a sweatshirt, and he'd changed into that. He suspected it was Cloud's shirt, but he didn't want to ask her.

He resumed his repairs on the barstool, only a bit disappointed that she'd remained in the kitchen instead of returning out front.

/I wonder if she's making stew... 

But he didn't have long to wonder, because she was soon sitting down beside him.

"Hey, can I talk to you a minute?"

"Sure." Something about her voice made him drop what he was doing and turn to her, his eyes suddenly concerned.

"I... I have something to tell you."

"What is it?" 

"You've been here a lot... the last couple of weeks." 

"Yeah... So?"

"Zack... you're a good friend, and you've helped me so much. But..." she continued awkwardly "...it can't be good for your social life to be stuck here with me all the time." 

He was sorely tempted to tease her, to invite her to take care of his needs, but he couldn't-- he had a bad feeling about where this was going.

"So... I got you something." She gave him an embarrassed smile, and then pressed something into his hand. Something paper. His hand closed over hers for a moment, a few seconds longer than was necessary for her to hand over the...

Tickets.

He looked down at his hands. They were tickets. Two tickets to the Gold Saucer. 

"Go and have fun with Lily, please," she urged. "I love having you around, but... you don't have to... take care of me so much." The briefest shy smile lit her face before she was all seriousness again. "I can balance the books. And it may not look like it, but I can fix chairs as well as break them." She gave him a warm, encouraging smile, and he felt a sharp pain stab his chest.

/You want me to take Lily to the Gold Saucer...

"Don't you think you've been neglecting her a little," she kidded him, her eyes still warm and smiling. He'd searched her face for any hint of jealousy, but could only come up with something a bit like wistfulness.

Well, it was sweet of her to do this, but... he couldn't take Lily. He didn't want to disappoint her, but he had to tell her. Better than dodging the subject of why he still hadn't taken Lily for weeks. 

/What the hell. I've made up my mind. I was just waiting to tell you. 

"Actually, Tifa..." 

"Yeah?" She turned her gaze to him, concerned and attentive. 

"I'm not with Lily anymore." 

"W-what?"

"I broke up with her last week." 

"Oh... That's why you've been hanging out here..." She nodded sympathetically. "It must've been hard for you..." But then a thought occurred to her. "... or... do you have someone new?" 

"No! There isn't anyone new. There won't be." 

Her eyes widened in surprise. 

"Tifa... I broke up with Lily because she didn't want me to come here. I want to be here. I want to be with you."

For once his poker face slipped, revealing his suddenly naked fear. He was desperately searching her face for a sign that she'd heard what he said, and didn't want to run away.

But she was still shell-shocked, speechless. He swallowed hard, and continued on.

"I want to be with you. I don't care if it's as a friend. I don't care what you want to call it." 

"But..." She'd finally managed a single word. It wasn't the one he'd hoped to hear, but he'd expected this... 

"But what? You still love Cloud? You think I don't know that? I'm not thrilled about it, but... it doesn't mean we can't have fun together." 

He moved a bit closer to her, his hand caressing her hair. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to. I don't care what we do. I mean, I do... but... just being with you... is enough. Just don't... make me leave you."

It was the first time she'd ever heard his voice break, and it was rending her heart.

It broke her paralysis, and she threw her arms around him, held him tight, her eyes squeezed shut. She could feel his heart racing as she pressed her face against his chest, tears spilling on his sweatshirt. His arms held her so tightly she couldn't breathe, but she didn't dare pull back, afraid he might take that as rejection.

Just a few seconds later, though, he loosened his arms with a muffled "sorry." He brought his hands up to trap her face beneath his gaze, and bit his lip nervously as he watched her. 

She didn't trust her voice, but she couldn't keep him waiting. "Of course... I want you to... stay with me," she stammered. That was all she could say before he'd crushed her to him again.

This time she pulled back a little, smiling, and they stayed in each other's arms for a moment.

But then she abruptly looked up. "I want to be with you, too... but...what about... sex?"

He grinned at her tomato-red face, wishing she weren't so damn shy, but proud that she spoke so plainly.

"What about it?" He asked, feeling guilty for prolonging her unease as his hand delicately wiped at the remaining tear tracks on her cheeks.

"Do you... want me?" She asked hesitantly.

Though she shouldn't have been surprised, Tifa gasped as Zack drew her close for a kiss. She relaxed quickly, though, her eyes falling closed, her lips parting readily at the gentle insistence of his lips. He kissed her with such fervent hunger that she was left throbbing with need. Trembling with fear.

/Oh God... I... can't... not yet...

She'd heard his answer, but she'd also heard her own. A shattering need, backing down against a plea for just a little more time.

"I... I don't think... I'm ready... for sex... yet."

"It's ok," he answered quickly, his voice a little ragged.

"No, it's not," she replied, straining to lock gaze with him. "I... can't give you what you need..."

He looked at her troubled, knitted brow, and hurried to take the burden off her hands.

"Look, I'm not asking you to have my children already," his joke sounded forced, but his eyes were twinkling, and she smiled, grateful for his kindness and perspective. 

"Let's just take this one step at a time, ok? I just wanted to drop the bullshit of dating Lily or some other girl. Other than sex, it was just a waste of time -- I was thinking about you all the time. And as for us..."

"I'll be honest with you. If you don't want me...yet... It's ok. I can wait. Not forever," he gave her a lopsided grin, "...but I can wait. You're worth it." His hand drifted from her cheek into her hair, and he let the chocolate strands slip between his fingers as his hand caressed the length of her hair.

"Don't feel pressured to say something you don't mean. I know you can't... forget Cloud just like that. But maybe if we just spend time together, you'll be able to make some good memories with me too."

She nodded, tears brimming in her eyes, as he took her in his arms again.


	6. confession in the dark

Chapter 6: Confession in the dark.

A few weeks later, Tifa had a bit of a shock as she sat in the back of the bar, talking with Zack one evening...

Tifa felt lost as she stared into his eyes. His astonishingly blue eyes. She knew nature couldn't make that color; they were the fingerprints of Mako exposure. He'd been in SOLDIER, he'd been experimented on by Hojo. He'd been through hell too, she heard it in the stories he told her. 

At first she'd been overwhelmed by his openness. She wasn't used to that. Not after the years with Cloud, going around and around, anywhere but to the heart of the matter. But while he was talking all she could do was listen. Listen with sadness in her heart, trembling hands caressing hard shoulders, fingers tangled in dark spikes.

And now he'd told her he loved her. Told her casually, as though there were no consequences. She'd been listening, as she usually did, fingers interlaced with his. Right up to the moment he said that.

Then she'd tried to pull away from his suddenly uncomfortable grasp. She tried, but he held on. His arms closed over her, and he buried his face in the hollow of her shoulder. They stood there, not talking, until she stopped stroking his back, and very gently, slowly, lifted up his face. At first his eyes seemed reluctant to meet hers, but then they arrested her where she stood.

Her lips parted, no sound escaping despite supreme efforts. She wanted so much to say she loved him too--but was that the truth? Did it matter? His eyes were pleading so openly that she could hardly bear them. But he wouldn't want her to lie, would he? And what's the harm of saying she loved him? It wasn't as though anyone else loved her -- not anyone who'd come into her life, and stay. 

"Tifa...don't," his voice was gentle, yet rough. 

Her eyes were shining. He could plumb their depths and never fear what he'd find. She was struggling, trying to say what she thought he'd want to hear. What he _did_ long to hear from her. 

But not like this. Not when it doesn't come readily, come from her heart. Not when she's torn apart by doubt and lurking memories. 

"You don't have to... say anything." He held her face between his hands, his eyes pleading with her to stop agonizing over it. 

"Zack...," she whispered. Tears were running down her face, and he inched closer to kiss away their tracks. He didn't expect her to turn so that his lips would meet hers--but he gratefully, greedily held on to that contact. His hands pressed against her back, bringing her slowly yet inexorably closer. 

/Oh God, this isn't right. She shouldn't do this. It's gonna eat at her for weeks...

Yet his hands, his lips refused to let go. 

/What the hell. Maybe we both need this... 

She sank into his touch, his need. His want. His love. She made love with abandon. For that he was happy. It didn't matter to him that he wasn't the man she'd been dreaming of all her life. Not when he ran his fingers through her chocolate strands, or gazed upon her peacefully closed lids. He smiled, even as he futilely tugged to claim his share of the covers.


	7. a troubling request

Chapter 7: A troubling request.

One month after Zack and Tifa became lovers, Cloud called Tifa asking for a favor. Could she join him in Midgar? He wanted help with his Aeris quest. 

Zack and Tifa argued. Unable to convince Tifa to stay put, Zack arranged to meet with Cloud, to see if he could get Cloud to withdraw his request.

**************************************************************

Zack kicked a can that rolled across his path as he walked to his meeting with Cloud. He had a lot to say to Cloud. 

But he had a lot to say to Tifa too, and that didn't turn out too well.

[flashback]

"He says he needs my help..."

"So you're gonna drop everything and go."

"But... aren't you worried about him? He sounded sort of... troubled on the phone..."

"Did you think for a second that maybe I'm worried about _you_? Maybe I'm worried that after you see him you'll mope around for another two months."

"..."

"Do you remember what you were like back then? You were crying all the time. You cried so much the delivery guy asked me who died! And now that you're finally back on your feet, you're gonna let him mess with your head again."

"But I just..."

"You're such an idiot about him! Why am I even talking to you?" He'd stormed out, slamming the door as he left. 

[end flashback]

A wry smile curled his lips. 

It was just like Cloud to spring this on her. 

And just like her to drop everything for Cloud. 

/You could've said no, Tifa. But you're gonna go, aren't you? And once you're with him again...

****************************************************************************

Cloud ran his hand through unruly blond spikes. He was standing in front of a vending machine in the Midgar train station, muttering curses. The damn thing kept spitting out his ten gil note. 

/When the hell is he gonna get here? Why'd I agree to meet him here anyway... 

But he knew why he'd agreed to meet Zack. Because he was fated to have it out with his old buddy the moment he asked Tifa to come help him.

So the rumors were true. Zack was living with her. But...

/Don't tell me he actually got _attached_ to Tifa. Zack? Don't make me laugh. 

/He tried to sound all protective on the phone, but I'm not buyin' it. This is about the big man's ego. I'm threatening the big man's ego.

Cloud gave a guttural chuckle. 

/Of course I am. He knows he can't compete against me. She's gonna say yes, I know it. She practically already did.

  
But Zack's hand on his shoulder snapped him out of his reverie. 

"Hey." Cloud's greeting was lukewarm at best.

"Thanks for meeting me." 

"No problem," Cloud shrugged. 

"So what's up?" 

Cloud barely concealed a sneer. "You're the one who wanted to meet me."

"I want to talk about Tifa." 

/So you've finally cut to the chase.

"What about Tifa?" Cloud spoke wonderingly, feigned innocence. 

"You called her last week." 

"Yeah." 

"What's it about?"

"That's between me and Tifa, isn't it?" Cloud frowned. He meant to sound casual, but his voice came out slightly frayed. 

"Mind telling me about it?" Zack's jaw tightened. 

"I don't really see how it's your business, man."

"It's my business because she and I are together."

"Why don't you ask her about it, then?"

"I did." 

"What'd she say?"

"Don't beat around the bush, Cloud." 

"Tifa wouldn't tell you, eh?" Cloud didn't bother to hide his amusement.

"She said you needed her help with something."

"And that's not good enough for you?" One blond eyebrow rose mockingly.

"Why are you doing this, Cloud?" 

"Doing what?"

"Dragging her through the mud again." Zack hissed his words behind grit teeth. 

Cloud's throat suddenly felt parched, even as his arms gestured emphatically. 

"What? I can't ask my best friend for help with something important to me, important to us? She wants Aeris back just as much as I do."

"She just wants to get on with her life, Cloud. She can't spend the rest of her life chasing ghosts with you. She's not going with you. Not if I have anything to say about it." 

Cloud smirked. 

"But you don't have any say, do you? Because this is about me and her. It's about our friendship. Something you know nothing about." 

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Cloud snorted. "Thanks, buddy, for fucking my best friend and treating her like one of your whores." 

"Right. I wouldn't know about friendship. I only got shot saving your ass. I shoulda left you with Hojo. And shut your mouth about me and Tifa--you don't know a damn thing about us." Zack's voice was low. A warning. 

"What's there to know? You're the same sleaze you've always been. You're just using her--" 

"Don't accuse me, when you're the one fucking with her head." Zack growled, his veneer of calm cracking. "You're acting all needy, so she's gonna drop everything and come running to help you. And when you feel better you'll just tell her to go away again. You're gonna get her hopes up that maybe this time you'll actually appreciate her, and you're just gonna break her heart again." He squared his eyes with Cloud, venom swirling in his throat.

"Like you're one to talk! You're the one using her! When you're tired of fucking her tomorrow, are you gonna stick around long enough to say goodbye? That's what you did to Aeris! You took all that purity and goodness and you threw it away." Cloud shouted back, eyes nearly black with rage.

"Don't fuckin' change the subject. I was no saint, but neither was Aeris. And Tifa's an adult. She knows what I am. At least she gets something out of it. You know nothing about Tifa and me." Zack's eyes narrowed dangerously. 

"I don't, eh? She can't love you... Tifa loves me. She loves me, and there's nothing you can do about it!" Cloud taunted, then wagged a mocking finger at Zack. "And I'm gonna sit her down and make her see what kind of lowlife you are. She's not gonna stay with you. She's not that kind of girl." 

Zack chuckled. "And what kind of girl is that, Cloud? The kind that screams when I fuck her? cause I can tell you right now Tifa is that kind of girl. A real fire cracker in the sack. Did you ever make her scream, Cloud? Or were you so scared that you couldn't last two minutes, heh--"

With a savage growl, Cloud launched his knuckles into Zack's jaw, sharply cutting Zack's words, crashing him into the back wall. Zack fought to regain his footing, then rammed his fist straight into Cloud's gut. When Cloud doubled over, Zack drove his elbow into to Cloud's back, sending him sprawling.

Cloud had just enough time to right himself before Zack let loose another barrage of blows. But then Zack abruptly stopped. Even as Cloud howled ferally, throwing punch after punch in berserk rage, Zack merely braced himself against the wall to fend off Cloud's blows.

"Fight me, damn you!" Cloud snarled, disgusted that Zack could smugly stand there and act so goddamn above it all... 

"Cloud, I just remembered..." Zack flashed a wry grin stained with blood. "I can't hit ya. She'd never forgive me. She loves ya, ya dumbass... and... I... "

"You're the dumbass! I saved this goddamn planet! And for what? So you could fuck my ..."

Cloud froze. Just for a second, he thought he saw something laid bare in Zack's eyes, something so raw...

"...I love her."

Cloud stared, incredulous, at Zack for a moment, then ran as quickly as his battered body and blurry eyes could carry him.

**********************************************************************************

Cloud let the hot water droplets pound his body. The Midgar hotel he stayed at had a massaging showerhead, and thanks to Zack, his body was creaking and cracking like an old man's. But he hated those treacherous words even more. The words that kept playing in his head.

************

__

He didn't. He didn't say that.

I... I thought he said... he loved her.

Heh. 

Heheh. 

Just for a second, I almost believed it.

But come on, it's Zack we're talking about here... I can't believe I almost bought it...

Man, I must've been pretty dizzy back there.

He doesn't love her. He's just using her.

When she gets here, I'm gonna set her straight. Sure, she's doing me a favor, but I'm doing her a favor too. I'm gonna show her. She just doesn't know what the guy's like...

I know she's been lonely. She's been alone, with only that slime acting like he's concerned about her. 

I shouldn't have left her like that, but... she understands. It's for Aeris. For me and Aeris. She wants that for us too. She's been such a good friend to me.

I'm gonna make it up to her, though. I'm gonna put a stop to this... bullshit game he's playing. I won't let him use her then throw her away. I won't let him do that to Tifa.

I'll make it up to you, Tifa. 

**********************************************************************************

Zack stumbled to his couch, having downed a few too many at the highway tavern. As his body shifted to dull pain, his mind adjusted its hazy focus on the woman who was central to it all... the recent happenings... the collapse of what he held dear. 

*********

__

Tifa, you're not gonna believe what happened...

Yeah. I beat the crap out of your dear Cloud. At least til I remembered I wasn't supposed to.

Then he got me good.

But it's up to you now. You gonna stay with me? Or you gonna go back to the guy who tore your heart up?

Why am I asking? I know what you're gonna do. 

I know. I'm an idiot. But I couldn't help it. You're gorgeous, and you're so goddamn crazy. 

I was just starting to think we had a shot, too. 

Heh. Maybe I still got Lily's phone number somewhere. 

What the hell. If I close my eyes, I can almost pretend she's you. Course, she wouldn't smack me upside the head for helping her around the place. Her ex-boyfriend's dead. And she wouldn't throw me down on the floor and screw me til I passed out either. Not every woman's crazy as you. Ain't that a relief. 

God, why did it have to be you?

I wasn't always so picky. Hell, even Cloud could tell you that. But I can't go back now, Tifa. I mean, I'll make do, but I'm always gonna want you, now. If I could be with you, I wouldn't ask for anything more.

But that's not good enough for you, right? cause god forbid Cloud should have a headache. Or a hang nail. 

Yeah, he was my friend and all. What can I say, I'm just a selfish bastard.

But hey, it's not so bad. Me and Cloud, we can still agree on one thing. We both think you're nuts. And wasting your goddamn love on the wrong guy.

You know what's funny? He tried to kill me today, and he didn't even love you. He just wanted to save you from me. 

Why didn't anyone save me from you? 

Well, Lily tried-- that's why I got rid of her. 

God is a vindictive sonuvabitch.


	8. farewell

Chapter 8: Farewell. 

A few days later...

Tifa impatiently dabbed her eyes with the back of her hand as she boarded the mid-day train. 

/I'm doing the right thing, so... why can't I stop crying? 

Her hand clutched reflexively the small bag she'd taken with her. She'd brought some materia and weapons to help Cloud, but the rest of the contents came from Zack's apartment. Her toothbrush, a packet of feminine products, and various items she'd left there.

She wouldn't be coming back there again. 

Then why was the key to his apartment still cutting its imprint into her left palm?

She'd written a note, and his key was to go on top of the note. But in the end, she couldn't leave it. Not yet... 

Next stop...' the conductor called out an unfamiliar stop, snapping her out of her rumination.

"Excuse me," she asked the man next to her, "isn't this the train to Midgar?" 

"No, miss, this is the Junon train."

"Oh... thank you," she mumbled. 

She'd boarded the wrong train. She'd run straight from Zack's apartment with barely a minute to spare, and distraught and confused, she'd boarded the wrong train.

She hadn't done anything right. 

Not just today, probably not for a few months...

She edged towards the door, and disembarked. As she sat waiting for the next Midgar train, her mind mercilessly re-hashed the events of the last few days. And the words that were written in her heart. Because she'd tried to say them so many times, but Zack would never listen... 

*************************************

__

It's not what you think.

I'm not going to chase him. I'm just going to make sure he's all right.

I know you're scared. I'm scared too. Because I was so in love with him, and being with him again might... stir up feelings I thought I'd buried. 

But I'm not going to forget you. 

I won't be gone long. And you're unforgettable, anyway. How could I forget the way you listened to my stories about Cloud? The way you held me when I cried, even though you were just waiting for a chance to grope. The ridiculous stories you told me... 

I know I'm hurting you by leaving. 

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. 

But does it have to hurt you _this_ much? Can't you have just a little faith in me? 

I wish I could make you see how much I care about you. That I'm only going because I'm worried about him.

I care about you, so much. But just the fact that I'm leaving... is all the proof you need that I love him more, right? 

Is that why you won't talk to me? You haven't talked to me since you came back from meeting Cloud that day. 

I've tried to talk to you. Last week. Yesterday. Earlier today. 

You won't let me explain. Not even when I sat out on your front steps last night. I stayed there for hours... knocking every few minutes, hoping you'd talk to me. You threw me your coat, but you wouldn't let me come in. 

Why didn't you let me come in? Your light was on, I saw you watching me through the window; you were at the window until I finally gave up. 

I... I thought you were hurting. I wanted to hold you so badly. But you wouldn't let me, so I just sat there and cried. 

This morning was my last chance to see you. Maybe I could make you see... But you weren't home. 

And I'm out of time. I'm supposed to be on the train in 5 minutes.

Everything's in my note. The instructions for re-heating your roast. The stew's in the crock pot. Your favorite chips and salsa are in the cabinet, along with some canned soups. And there are snacks at the bar, too, just in case you want to come by and trash things up a little.

I've tried to put your clothes back where I found them -- please don't mind that I washed them. 

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude in your home. You didn't even want me here last night. But I've snuck in. I've cooked food you won't eat, I've washed clothes you've let grow mildew... just because there's nothing else I can do for you. Not in the few minutes I have left.

Will we have more time, when I come back? Can you ever forgive me?

**********************************************************************************

Zack gawked at the neatly folded piles of laundry. At the labels on freshly prepared foods that just didn't belong in his fridge, with its musty cold cuts and moldy bread. The labels written in her unmistakable handwriting.

She was gone. So why the hell did she do this? 

Did she have to leave her footprints all over his place? Wasn't it enough that she'd left her mark in his heart? 

He'd come here, hoping it wouldn't blaringly remind him of how gutted he felt inside. He was a hollow bell. Jarring metal outside, empty inside. Empty except for a core that cried to be heard.

  
One moment, he was staring blankly at the neatly folded piles. The next, he'd strewn clothes all over the living room with a crazed howl. 

__

Yeah, that's much better. This was his sanctuary. The last place he'd allow Tifa to plant even the tiniest seed of her caring. 

She was gone. His foolish brown-eyed girl.

He sank to his knees, and found himself slumped against the tacky green shirt that had fallen on his couch. The one she always teased him about. The one she ruined with the orange that day, the day he tried to tell her he loved her. He wanted to say he loved her, but it was too soon, so he said he wanted to be with her instead. 

Heedless of the tightness in his chest, he closed his eyes against it, letting the threads tickle his eyelashes, the downy texture stroke his cheek. 

The closest he'd ever come to her caress, now. 

He laughed, even as something hot stung his eyes. 

It's too fuckin' cruel.

He'd finally started to make her happy. It'd taken so much out of him to hold her up--even though he'd appeared casual about it. Seeing her suffer hurt like nothing he'd ever felt before. When Cloud left her, he'd hung around, refused to let her shutter herself in. He'd come by, bring little things; chat her up, tell her tall tales. Soak up her warmth like a sponge. 

Now he couldn't make do without it. How'd that happen? How could it happen? To him?

Maybe it happened... gradually. So slowly that he hardly realized when he'd crossed over the line. When did he start hanging around more out of wanting than concern? When did he start to quicken his step as he rounded the corner, anticipating the way she would run to his embrace? When did a dim bar stop reeking of despair and desolation? 

When did he start to look upon her unprotected heart as his own? His to care for and watch over?

__

And what a swell job I've done at that...

She wasn't the first woman who'd left him. But it'd never felt like this. Why was it different this time? Was it because she was a friend too? Or was it because he'd done something unbelievably stupid... like... fall in love? Fall in love with a girl who was hung up on _Cloud_ of all people...

She'd left to take care of Cloud, because Cloud needed her. 

__

What about my needs, Tifa? I need you too. Goddamn it, I need you, and I'm a hell of a lot more deserving than him. How could you leave me? Do you love him that much, or...do I mean nothing to you? 

I know you love him. Hell, I always knew. But I thought you could love me too--you did, I know you did. At least...I thought you did--even though you never told me. 

Damn it, Tifa, it's not fair! 

He welcomed the pain that throbbed from his fists when they rammed into the wall. But the distraction ended too soon.

No, it's not fair. But who said life was fair? Something, a laugh, a snort, rang forth, and he struggled back to his feet.

No, life wasn't fair. Good people get screwed. Only...a lucky few...get a second chance. Somehow he'd gotten a second chance. 

And he wouldn't just give up. She loved him. He knew it. He didn't just imagine the happiness of her smile, the warmth of her embrace, the sincerity of her touch. The way she trusted him with every secret, every hurt.

__

It ain't over, Tifa. Hell no. Not as long as I still remember...the lines of your face. The calluses of your hands. The tangle of your hair. The taste of your lips. 


	9. Interlude - Tadaima (I'm home :-)

Chapter 9: Interlude - Tadaima (I'm home :-)

Zack stared out his window into the dark Kalm night. He didn't want to think about her anymore. She'd only been gone a week, but he'd missed her as though it had been months.

She'd called and said that Cloud was doing just fine, although his lead didn't pan out. What the hell was she still doing there, then? Why didn't she just come back? Unless... 

A knock. Then the sound of a key turning its lock. He took a step towards the front door.

"Tifa--..." Zack just stood there, mouth agape after uttering her name once.

She started to say something, but couldn't get a single word out before he'd already crushed her to him. His lips sought hers, and she didn't fight them. She softly ran her tongue along his lips when his mouth insistently, greedily claimed hers. His hands wandered like a puppy set free --wild with joy and rush, reclaiming familiar territory. He said a quick prayer that she wanted him too, because he feared he couldn't stop...

******************************************************

Zack opened his eyes, and found himself in her embrace. He felt utterly drained, not just by the sweet, urgent act they'd completed, but by those intense, watchful brown eyes. They seemed to drink him up. At the moment they were brimming with gladness, and something else. Concern, maybe even worry. For him? 

He must have frowned a little looking at her, because she tried to lighten his mood.

"I missed you too," she playfully whispered. He cracked a smile, though her eyes barely danced with her attempt at humor.

/You're so transparent. That's why... I can't help loving you. 

"God...I missed you," he whispered as his fingers played in her chocolate strands, and his lips nuzzled her neck. "I missed you so much."

She pressed a kiss into his forehead. "I missed you, too."

"Did you?" He asked, an ardent plea to his voice. "I thought maybe..."

"Huh? Maybe-- ?" Her eyes widened wonderingly, urging him to continue. 

"I thought maybe...you weren't coming back," his palms held her face now, and his eyes bored into hers. Her attempts to look away met gentle, yet unyielding resistance.

"Zack...," her eyes pleaded. Begged. For understanding, forgiveness, what? A jumble of emotions swelled in his heart, lodged in his throat, and he couldn't tell her that it was all right...

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..." Her captive eyes spilled helpless tears, and his chest ached. 

/Damn it, Tifa. I'm only telling you the truth. Why's that so hard? You knew I loved you, and... you left! 

At length he looked again at her tear-stained face, her fingers digging into her flesh, and tenderness won over anger. He deserved an explanation. But maybe-- not right now. He couldn't press her any further tonight. 

"Just...let me hold you," his voice was tight as he took her in his arms again. And as she sobbed on his shoulder, he closed his eyes and leaned his face against her tousled hair. 

**************************************************************************

Several weeks had passed since Tifa returned from helping Cloud. Life had returned to normal, more or less. Despite the humdrum routine, Zack was happy. It felt good just being near her, hearing her voice. Watching her eyes light up when he walked through the door. 

Sometimes he saw apprehension in her eyes, though. _She's scared I'm gonna bring it up, make her explain the way she left me_. But he didn't want to see her suffer, or hear her say she loved Cloud. 

It was a new experience for him, coming in second, and he chafed against it. He was in love with a woman who might leave him again for her true love. Didn't he deserve better? Sometimes he wondered whether there was anything left in her heart for him, after Cloud had taken so much. 

But then she'd look at him, touch him. And he had no words, couldn't speak through the drought in his throat. If this is what's left, he'd grasp for it with both hands, cling to it, and never relinquish it. 


	10. decisions

Chapter 10: Decisions

On a quiet Thursday three months later, their lives were thrown into turmoil again. It started with a sudden commotion in the bar, and a spiky-headed blond.

Cloud.

Zack silently tallied the months he'd had with Tifa since she returned from... helping Cloud. 

/One, two, three. Not nearly enough. 

/Why'd I get blindsided? I knew he'd do this... 

"Hey," Cloud spoke up first. 

"Hey." Zack tried to keep his voice nonchalant, no longer hearing the noise of the drunken patrons. He bit his lower lip for a second before recovering his poise. He needn't have worried, though-- Cloud wasn't looking at him. She had her back to him, but Cloud's eyes lingered anyway. Zack's mask slipped slightly.

"Why'd you come back, Cloud?" 

/You're gonna fuck with her mind... take her away again... Why the hell do I put up with this shit?

"Not to see you," Cloud snorted dismissively, his eyes still on Tifa. 

A different sound tore through Zack's consciousness--the clang of a glass crashing. She'd seen him. Her eyes were so nakedly loving Zack thought his own heart would burst. 

"Tifa, you know this guy?" He spoke needlessly, because she was already on her way over. Carefully not running, but walking briskly. 

/You're not fooling anybody, Tifa.

"Cloud. What are you doing here?" She asked softly.

Cloud pressed her into his arms and held her wordlessly. 

"You know where I'll be," Zack growled, seconds before the bar door slammed shut.

******************************************************

Tifa watched the door that Zack had disappeared through, trying not to imagine how angry he must be with her. 

"Hey there." Cloud's voice was gentle, tender. She gave him her full attention now, her hands touching his shoulders, her eyes taking him in. He'd been gone so long--well, it seemed like a long time to her. Was he really okay, out there by himself, with those awful memories? 

/Of course he's fine! She saw that for herself 3 months ago...

Cloud smiled, and she smiled back. Travel had been good to him--aside from the dirt and grime, he looked fit, and in good spirits. 

He started to caress her face with his clean hand. She could feel a familiar moisture threatening her eyes. 

It took a second or two, but she reached up and closed her hand over his. Slowly, hesitantly, she pulled it away from her face. Their eyes met.

"What's up?" He asked, his eyes twinkling, but not without a touch of puzzlement.

"Not much. And you?" She asked, gently avoiding his unspoken question.

He started to tell her of his quests.

__

Well, I guess I'm going back to the Ancient City next. There's a guy who supposedly knows about this underwater materia... 

No, different from the one we used for Emerald Weapon. This might let me stay down there longer...

She's an Ancient. Our rules don't apply to her... 

Yeah, he says she can come back if I do everything right...

Then came the part she'd been dreading. 

"It'd really help me...if... you could come along. I know it's a lot to ask-- but... that place... is kinda eerie, you know..." Cloud gave her an uneasy smile, mirroring her own growing trepidation.

/What if I...agree to it... this time? What will happen... with Zack? The last time I left he was really hurt. He hasn't brought it up, but it's there. Like a wound that won't heal.

/But I can't let Cloud go there alone.

/He's been alone for months, and he's fine.

/But the City of the Ancients is where Aeris...died. If I still tear-up thinking of it, how can he stand being there alone? He's never been _there_ alone...

Again she cursed her indecision.

"Please, Tifa?" Cloud repeated, a little pleadingly. He could see the struggle in her eyes. 

"Cloud...I...," her voice faltered.

"What's wrong?" Cloud grabbed hold of her hands, concerned. 

The tears threatened again, and this time she didn't fight them. She just let them fall, and let her soul speak what it will. She'd said all the prayers she could that she'd do the right thing when the time comes... 

"I can't, Cloud."

Cloud dropped her hands, his mouth agape. 

"Why not?" he asked, sounding very confused. 

"Zack," she barely managed. She wasn't sure he heard it, but he must have, because his eyes frosted over. Neither of them said a word for a very long time.

"That's it, then," he stood up abruptly, and headed for the door.

"Cloud, please...don't go alone." She called after him.

"What?" He grunted, not looking back at her. 

She didn't want to prolong his unease. "Bring Cid or Red." Her voice came out strained and tight, but at least it came.

"I'll go with Cid, thanks for caring," he said casually. She swallowed hard, still looking after him.

"Tifa..." He turned around just as he reached the door, an unreadable expression in his blue eyes. Before she knew it they were in each other's arms.

"I'll always love you," she whispered, blinking back tears as she pulled away from his embrace, "you know that..."

"I love you," Cloud's hands shook as they held her face. He kissed her hard, for a moment. Then they tore apart. 

"You'd...better go," she mumbled.

He nodded once, then vanished through the door.

*************************************************************************************************************

Zack kicked at the sheets, staring at the ceiling in his apartment. The clock on the far wall read 2:15 am the last time he checked. Why couldn't he sleep? 

He knew this would happen. Sooner or later, Cloud would come, either wanting her or wanting more help and attention. And she'd give in to Cloud. 

__

Why are you doing this, Tifa? He's just gonna break your heart again.

Why am I so fuckin' pathetic? I'm still hoping you'll come to me after he's through using you.

But maybe I'm finally learning. This time _I'm_ leaving _you_. This is _my_ choice, Tifa. 

My choice. 

Yeah right. Who am I kidding? 

I'm leaving because you're leaving. Because you weren't gonna stay, even if I got on my knees and begged. So, might as well walk out on you -- I've still got my pride, right? 

I would've done anything if you'd stay. I hated being second to Cloud, but I took it... cause I just couldn't leave you. 

But you could leave me for him. 

That shouldn't surprise me, right? You never said you loved me. Hell, I _told_ you not to say it. 

But I want to hear you say it. Say it just once, damn you! Say it, before you leave me... this time... for good. 

This was my fault. 

I knew you loved him, but I wanted to stay with you anyway. I knew you'd leave me, but I wanted to... put off that day. Guess my time's up. 

Don't feel sad. Don't cry. You didn't break any promises. 

Hey, at least I won't be second to Cloud anymore. Because... you're gone now... 


	11. one last time

Chapter 11: One last time

Zack set out from his apartment just before dawn, although he'd been awake for hours. In his hand was a beaten-up bag, for taking back his few possessions. He stopped on Tifa's doorstep to recall the words he planned to say. That is, if she hadn't already left.

/We're through!

/When you come back this time-- If you come back this time-- I won't be here.

/You _know_ I love you... If you ever need anything... you can always...

He yanked the door open. 

His eyes soon fixed on the woman slumped against a table, her head on her arms. Dirty glasses and overturned chairs were everywhere; she hadn't spent the night cleaning. Had she spent the night like that?

He stood awkwardly, not sure whether he should just... shout his declaration at her from there, or risk coming closer. Then he saw her shoulders shake. She was sobbing. 

/I don't care. 

/I can't... 

But almost without the involvement of his brain, his feet had carried him to her. His arms held her, his hands wiped away her tears. 

Summoning all his resolve, Zack managed to pull away. When he felt in control again, he made his announcement. But the words had lodged in his throat. 

/Damn it, why can't I just say it?

Then his train of thought screeched to a stop. She'd leaned closer; she'd taken both of his hands in hers. When he reluctantly looked into her teary eyes, she spoke. 

"I'm sorry I hurt you...when I left before. But...this time...," she paused, not trusting her voice, "I'm not going with him."

"..." 

His eyes grew wide. Even his breathing stilled for a moment. 

"I won't leave again-- unless you... want me to." Her eyes darted to the duffle bag by his feet for a moment, before meeting his eyes again. 

"I don't want you to go! I never wanted you to! " He erupted at her. "But... you always leave... for him..." his voice fell despondently. 

She drew back a little, seemingly in recoil from his fury, and his chest tightened. Before he could succumb to the incongruous urge to comfort her, however, she'd bitten her lip resolutely and looked up again.

"What I've... screwed up...," her voice broke, "I... I can't undo the past." She hung her head for a moment, before looking up at him with desperate, pleading brown eyes. "But... I love you, and I want to try to..."

If she said any more than that, he didn't hear. His consciousness had trembled. Quaked. Some time after that, he felt her hands on his face, slowly, gently guiding him to meet her gaze.

"I love you, Zack," she spoke with aching clarity. 

He stared, still reeling from her words. ".... But...Cloud...," he stammered, when his voice finally returned. 

"Cloud is going with Cid. He'll be okay..." She smiled, and he nearly smiled too.

"But... you were crying...," he continued, still a little confused. 

"I was scared that... you weren't coming back. I thought... you might... leave me..." She looked down hurriedly, her voice choked with shame and anguish.

For a fleeting second, she glanced up at him, and he caught her rueful smile as fresh tears stained her face.

"Tifa..." His heart constricted sharply as he pulled her into his arms. He was so desperate to ease her pain that he would've lied about his intention for coming there that day. But the desert in his mouth had smothered his lies.

"And... you'd have every right to...." she stunned him by continuing.

"... but... if you could... give me one more chance... to show you how much I love you... to show you I'm serious about us..." Her eyes were bright and resolute when she looked up, straining to catch his gaze, although they still seeped delicate tracks down her cheeks. 

He brought trembling hands up to delicately cup her face, his eyes stinging, his control vanquished by her naked, dizzying love.

"I love you, Tifa," he swallowed hard, "... and... as long as you love me... this is where I'm gonna be..." 

"I was... scared... of losing you... I... can't go through that again..." 

"But... if you really love me..." His voice suddenly faltered-- she'd brought her caressing palm against his cheek.

"I do." Her response was urgent. Immediate. 

"Then... stay with me," he pleaded. 

"I won't leave again. I promise," she stepped a bit closer, placing his hand on her heart as she spoke.

"Really? You promise?" His voice was childlike, wondering, as if he thought her love was a dream that might shatter, if he dared reach out and touch it.

"I promise," she softly repeated her pledge. Her guileless caramel eyes were shining, letting him plumb the depths of her heart.

He stared for a moment, entranced. Then his heart soared, elated, and he flashed a grin at her.

"Good, cause if you leave, I'll follow you to the ends of the planet, you know... and... there'll be hell to pay..." He cocked one eyebrow and did his best to look threatening. 

"I won't leave you. I love you so much..." She buried her face in his chest, and proceeded to show him how much.

FIN

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N

I wouldn't have made it through the rehabilitation of this old fic without Ani K. and Rokusan. It's not enough for me to say this, but... thank you so much, for your friendship, c&c, everything.

I also want to thank Sydney Kyle, for inspiring me to start writing fanfics, and GlassShard, for posting this on her site way back in 1999. ^_^


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